End-Times Summit: The Apocalypse Briefing
[Scene: A dimly lit warehouse in Mar-a-Lago-adjacent territory. American flags, chrome Harley choppers, Croatian military patches, and a giant disco ball. Trump stands at a golden podium. To his right: a row of leather-clad Hells Angels. To his left: Joe Jukic, stone-faced Croatian special forces legend in full tactical gear with a tiny G.I. Joe patch on his shoulder. Lady Gaga lounges on a throne made of vinyl records, wearing a meat dress 2.0 fused with tactical camo.]
Trump: Folks, let me tell you — this is the greatest gathering of eschatological talent the world has ever seen. Tremendous. We’re not just winning elections, we’re triggering the Second Coming. The best Second Coming. Nobody does Revelation like me. Joe — beautiful Joe — tell them!
Joe Jukic: (salutes crisply, thick Croatian accent) Mr. President, sir. I am G.I. Joe Jukic. From the old country. We fought in the Balkans. We know apocalypse. When the seals break, I will be there with my rifle and my rosary. No beast shall pass.
Hells Angel #1 (burly, tattooed, patches reading “Revelation Riders” and “666% American”): Damn right, brother Joe! We ride with the Four Horsemen! Conquest? That’s us on the white bikes. War? Red bikes, baby. Famine? We’ll handle the supply lines. Death? We’ve been flirting with her for decades.
Hells Angel #2: Yo, Prez — when do we get the mark of the beast upgrade? I want it in chrome on my forearm. None of that weak globalist barcode shit.
Lady Gaga: (dramatic pose, microphone in hand) Oh darlingss… but what if the real Second Coming is a performance? A spectacle! I bring the Babylon energy, the Mother of Harlots in six-inch heels. We don’t fight the beast — we remix him! Little monsters of the world, unite! The tribulation needs choreography!
Trump: Exactly, Gaga. You get it. The fake news calls me Antichrist. Can you believe it? I’m the opposite. I’m the disruptor. I brought peace to the Middle East — Abraham Accords, beautiful deals. That’s prophecy stuff. Joe here survived worse than anything in the Bible. The Hells Angels? They’re my locusts from the pit — but friendly locusts. The friendliest.
Joe Jukic: In Croatia we have saying: “When the dragon rises, grab your sword and your American president.” I stand ready. Whether it is Gog and Magog, or just more deep state nonsense.
Hells Angel #1: (revs an imaginary engine) Hell yeah! We’ll escort the Rapture convoy. No one gets left behind… unless they’re wearing Birkenstocks and driving a Prius. Those guys are toast.
Lady Gaga: But what about love? The Book says there will be signs and wonders. I can give them wonder. Imagine the New Jerusalem — but make it fashion. Streets of gold? Add Swarovski. The saints? They’ll be serving looks.
Trump: Perfect. We’re making the End Times great again. Huge crowds in Heaven. The best crowds. Joe Jukic will be Secretary of Heavenly Defense. The Hells Angels get the Department of Pure Chaos. And Gaga… you handle the entertainment. Just don’t wear the meat dress when the real Lamb shows up. Timing, folks. Timing is everything.
Joe Jukic: (nods solemnly) Amen. Or as we say in the old country — gotovo. It is finished.
All together: (Hells Angels rev engines, Gaga hits a high note, Trump does the thumb-point)
Trump: Now let’s go win this thing. The Second Coming starts in November. Believe me.
[Fade out on roaring bikes, a Croatian battle cry, and the opening chords of “Born This Way” mixed with Wagner.]