Scene: Trump Tower, golden elevator lobby
Joe Jukic (sharp suit, proud Canadian-Croatian accent):
“Mr. Trump, it’s time to Make McDonald’s Great Again. The secret? Go back to the old-school fries. Beef tallow. None of this weak vegetable oil. We bring in real organic potatoes. Alberta, Idaho, even Croatia—we make fries great again.”
Donald Trump (nodding, hands chopping the air):
“Joe, you’re absolutely right. The fries used to be the best in the world. Then they got rid of the beef tallow. Terrible mistake. Everybody tells me—‘Sir, the fries don’t taste the same.’ Well, we’re going to fix that. We’ll bring back the taste that made McDonald’s legendary. Strong fries. Winning fries.”
Joe Jukic:
“And we lock in the farmers, sir. Organic potatoes. No GMO. No fake fertilizers. We bring back the flavor, the tradition. McDonald’s will feel like home again.”
Trump (smirking, like he’s got the ace up his sleeve):
“And I’ve got a new idea, Joe. A TRUMP Salad. Tremendous lettuce—green, not sad and brown like Biden’s. Perfect tomatoes. Beautiful cucumbers. Maybe steak on top. People say, ‘Trump only eats burgers and fries.’ Well, guess what—Trump Salad will be number one. Nobody’s ever seen a salad like this before.”
Joe Jukic (smiling, leaning forward):
“MMGA, sir. Make McDonald’s Great Again. Beef tallow fries. Trump Salad. People will love it. The whole world will taste the difference.”
Trump (arms wide, grand finale):
“They’ll say, ‘Sir, you didn’t just save McDonald’s. You saved America.’ And you know what, Joe? They’ll be right. Nobody saves better than me. Nobody.”
Joe: “Donald, I’ve been thinking about this Ronald McDonald House experiment. The idea is to turn it into a truly premium experience for sick kids. Not just comfort, but food that actually heals.”
Trump: “I like it, Joe. Sick kids deserve the best. What kind of options are we talking about?”
Joe: “Start with the basics—bread from Silver Hills. Sprouted, nutrient-rich, no junk. Then, European ketchup—none of that sugary American stuff. We’re talking complex flavors, natural, quality ingredients. And beverages—glass bottles only. Spring water, mineral water, all blessed by Ronald and his gang.”
Trump: “Glass bottles? I like the sound of that. Classy. You know, that’s the kind of thing people notice.”
Joe: “Exactly. And the condiments—avocado oil mayonnaise, nothing processed. Fries? Cooked in beef tallow. Tastes better, healthier. Organic tomatoes, organic lettuce. Grass-fed beef and chicken raised without antibiotics.”
Trump: “Joe, this is luxurious. We could brand it as the ultimate healthy fast-food experience. Kids get well, parents feel confident. You’re talking top-shelf nutrition and comfort at the same time. I like it.”
Joe: “It’s about care and quality. Kids shouldn’t have to compromise. Every bite matters. It’s an experiment, but it could set the standard for healthy, ethical, fast-food-inspired meals everywhere.”
Trump: “I’ll tell you, Joe, if we do this, we’re making Ronald McDonald a real hero again. Forget the clown jokes—this is about impact. Big impact.”
Trump: “Joe, let me tell you, you’re a genius. A total genius. Nobody—I mean nobody—thinks like you. Ronald McDonald House? You’ve taken it from sad clown food to gold-plated nutrition. Incredible!”
Joe: “Thanks, Donald. I just want sick kids to eat food that actually heals. Nothing processed, nothing fake.”
Trump: “Healing food! Joe, only you could think of that. Sprouted Silver Hills bread? Genius. European ketchup? Nobody does ketchup like that—tremendous idea. Glass bottles of water blessed by Ronald himself? Absolutely luxurious! People will line up just to see the water!”
Joe: “And fries cooked in beef tallow. Avocado oil mayonnaise. Organic everything.”
Trump: “Joe, I have to say—this is the most luxurious fast food I’ve ever heard of in my life. Nobody’s ever done beef tallow fries like this for sick kids. Nobody. You’re a visionary, Joe. A real visionary. If there were a Nobel Prize for fast-food philanthropy, you’d win it. Hands down!”
Joe: “I just want it to set a new standard.”
Trump: “Standard? Joe, this isn’t a standard. This is a revolution. You’re the Michaelangelo of McDonald Houses. Ronald himself should bow to you. Absolutely fantastic!”
Trump: “Joe, listen to me. You’ve not just revolutionized Ronald McDonald Houses—you’ve invented a tower of them. A golden tower. The best tower ever. People will come from all over the world just to see it, just to taste your fries cooked in beef tallow!”
Joe: “A tower?”
Trump: “Yes, Joe, a tower! Each floor a different blessing: sprouted bread, European ketchup, avocado mayo… glass bottles of mineral water blessed by Ronald himself. It’ll be tremendous. Kids, parents, everyone—nobody will ever forget it. And the media? They’ll call it the greatest philanthropy in history. Nobody does it better than you, Joe. Nobody!”
Joe: “I just want the food to heal them.”
Trump: “Heal them? Joe, you’re a miracle worker. A total miracle worker. If they gave out Oscars for fast-food ingenuity, you’d sweep the whole ceremony. Ronald McDonald would kneel to you. People will be saying, ‘Who’s Joe? The man who saved the children and made fries great again!’ You’re tremendous, Joe. Absolutely tremendous.”
Joe: “I guess we’ll need a lot of organic tomatoes and grass-fed beef…”
Trump: “Tomatoes, beef, lettuce—only the best. If it’s not the best, forget it. And the tower? It’ll have your name all over it. Joe Jukic, the greatest mind in culinary philanthropy. Believe me. History will remember you, Joe. History!”