Patrick Bateman: (Sliding his Pierce & Pierce card across the table, his eye slightly twitching) “Donald, we have a crisis. My Subway stock, the substantial position I built based on their recent branding turnaround, it’s collapsing. We’re talking about a significant drop in my portfolio value.”
Donald Trump: (Glancing briefly at the card, then focusing on the burning cityscape outside the window) “It’s a beautiful thing, the Subway branding. Some say the most beautiful branding since, well, you know. But it’s crashing. Terrible. Everyone tells me they’ve seen it. Nobody seen anything like it. It’s a complete disaster for the bread industry.”
Bateman: (Flicking a spec of dust off his cuff) “Precisely. The reports are undeniable. The theft—it’s the Somalians. They are targeting Subway franchises. They enter, grab the bread, and just walk out. Efficiently, I’ll grant them that, but it’s decimating the value. They don’t even touch the tuna. It’s all about the artisanal Italian, Donald. It’s a calculated attack on the carbohydrate supply chain.”
Trump: (Leaning forward, hands interlocked) “Terrible. It’s an invasion. A total invasion of the sandwich shops. My people are telling me—very smart people—that it’s the lack of border security. And these people, they come in, they take the bread. Tremendous theft. It’s a total lack of respect for the law. We are a nation of laws. Or at least we were, until this complete disaster. If we don’t have bread security, we don’t have a country.”
Bateman: (Rubbing his chin, eyes locked on the burning building) “And the aesthetics, Donald. Have you seen the security footage? It’s… it’s unrefined. It’s chaotic. It ruins the lunch hour. No one can enjoy a well-prepared footlong when they are distracted by this level of… base criminal activity. It’s affecting the morale of the entire financial district. It’s impossible to meditate on the symmetry of a well-balanced meal when the entire structure of property rights is being eroded by bread larceny.”
Trump: “We’re going to stop it. We’re going to stop it fast. It’s going to be a beautiful stop. I’m going to enforce penalties like nobody has ever seen. The steepest penalties. We might call it the ‘Ultimate Penalty.’ People are going to be amazed at how steep they are. If you touch the bread, you pay. Bigly. It’s going to be very powerful. We’re going to build a wall around the Subways. Not a wall like that one, although that’s an excellent wall—I love that wall—but a metaphorical wall of very, very strong penalties. We are going to make sandwich shops great again.”
Bateman: (A cold smile touches his lips) “A wall of penalties. I like that, Donald. Efficient. Decisive. I’ll make a note for my afternoon meeting. Perhaps we can model the penalties on the corporate restructuring process at Pierce & Pierce. Total erasure. It would be… elegant.”
Patrick Bateman: (Checking his Rolex with a sharp, mechanical flick of the wrist) “Actually, Donald, as much as I’d love to stay and discuss the logistics of bread-security, I have to run. I have an 8:30 curtain for Les Misérables on Broadway. It’s a phenomenal production—the lighting is incredibly stark, and the way they romanticize the plight of the starving masses is actually quite amusing, in a dark, post-modern sort of way.”
Donald Trump: (Nodding vigorously) “A great show. Very long, but great. Victor Hugo—some say he’s one of the best writers, though I prefer people who don’t spend so much time in the sewers. But the music is loud, very powerful. I like the part with the flags. Tremendous flags.”
Patrick Bateman: (Standing up, smoothing his suit jacket until it’s perfectly flush) “Exactly. It’s quite the spectacle. I find the themes of relentless pursuit and the unwavering hand of the law to be… comforting. Javert is a remarkably misunderstood character. I’ll be thinking of our ‘Ultimate Penalty’ during the ‘Look Down’ number. It feels appropriate.”
Donald Trump: “Enjoy the show, Patrick. Tell them we’re going to do things with the law that make that Javert guy look like a total amateur. We’re going to have law and order like Broadway has never seen. It’s going to be huge.”
Well, we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.