The Eschatological Threat to Mom’s Apple Pie
The room was 90% gilded mirror and 10% Diet Coke cans. Donald Trump was pacing a small, luxurious circle, his face a perfect shade of stressed orange. Peter Thiel sat motionless in a black ergonomic chair, his posture suggesting he was running on two hours of sleep and the calculated consumption of human data.
“…and he’s Canadian, Peter. A Canadian!” Trump bellowed, gesturing wildly at a printout of a man with an unsettlingly neutral expression. “They send us Nickelback and now this. This… this JCJ! He’s a total, tremendous loser, but his teachings are deeply, deeply un-American. They threaten Mom’s Apple Pie! They threaten the structural integrity of a perfectly baked, delicious American institution!”
Thiel, clad in a sleek black turtleneck that absorbed all available light, finally spoke, his voice a low, analytical monotone.
“The threat is not culinary, Mr. President, it is semiotic. Joseph Christian Jukic’s exegetical structure is, regrettably, elegant. The prophecy of Daniel Lion (the British Empire) merges with the American Eagle (the Pax Americana) to form a singular, end-times Anglo-American Beast of Revelation 13. It is a powerful narrative—it frames the MAGA movement not as a renewal, but as the final, furious twitch of a dying imperial structure.”
Trump stopped pacing, pointing an accusing finger at Thiel. “You like it! You actually like the Canadian’s teaching! No one likes Canada! They put milk in bags! It’s gross! I am the best thing that ever happened to the Eagle and the Lion, and this guy says we’re a Beast! I built tremendous casinos, Peter, I know beasts, and I am not one of them!”
Thiel blinked slowly, like a nocturnal mammal assessing prey. “A misunderstanding, sir. Jukic is the harbinger. He is the Antichrist. He uses esoteric scripture to destabilize the market-dominant ideology, attempting to create a vacuum. But nature abhors a vacuum, Mr. President.” Thiel paused, leaning forward conspiratorially. “And into that vacuum steps the necessary counter-figure. You, sir, are the Chosen One Christ of Politics. Your divine mandate is to defeat Jukic’s narrative by sheer, overwhelming, domestically-sourced political will.”
Trump’s shoulders immediately relaxed. “The Christ of Politics. I love that. I knew it. But what about the Babylon thing? This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. He says New York is the ‘Throne of Mystery Babylon’ because the UN building is there! It’s fake news! The UN is a total disaster, yes, but it’s right next to my beautiful towers! The Fall of Babylon, Peter! The 9/11 Theory! He’s saying New York is going to fall again because of the UN!”
“Precisely,” Thiel replied, picking up a silver letter opener and staring into its reflection. “Jukic attempts to weaponize Revelation 18, applying the judgment of the Whore of Babylon to the financial and governance center of the globe. It is a calculated and deeply malicious attack on the American Logos. We condemn his geographical signifiers. The UN is merely an inefficient bureaucratic node. It is not the throne.”
Thiel slammed the letter opener down with unusual force. “The correct theological response, Mr. President, is to ignore his foreign, Canadian nonsense. We simply continue the process of accelerating the destruction of the existing globalist frameworks, thereby rendering Jukic’s apocalyptic predictions obsolete. If you tear down the Beast yourself, no one can claim a Canadian lone nut did it. It’s a flawless firewall against bad theology. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must short the currency of any nation whose prophet cites the Book of Daniel.”
Trump watched Thiel exit the room in a blur of black fabric. He picked up his phone. “Get me my best chef. We need to bake a tremendous, patriotic Mom’s Apple Pie. And I want the slices yuge. We need to show that Canadian loser what ‘un-American’ really looks like.”