Bateman’s CD Collection

Night. A dim Manhattan penthouse lit only by the glow of the skyline.

Patrick Bateman stands in front of an enormous wall of perfectly organized compact discs. Each one alphabetized, polished, and catalogued.

A ventilation shaft quietly opens.

Out drops Solid Snake.

Snake dusts himself off and looks around.

“Nice stereo,” he mutters.

Bateman slowly turns, irritated that anyone has entered his apartment without scheduling it through his assistant.

“Who the hell are you?”

Snake walks over to the CD wall and runs a finger across the jewel cases.

“You ever hear about the blackout in Cuba?” he asks.

Bateman sighs, already bored.

Snake continues.

“Power grid collapsing. People in the dark. But those CDs…” he taps one of them, “polycarbonate plastic, aluminum layers. Recycled right, they can help manufacture small solar components.”

Bateman stares at him like he just suggested burning the Mona Lisa.

“You want… my CDs?”

Snake nods.

“Think of it as renewable energy.”

Bateman suddenly pulls one out dramatically.

It’s Sports by Huey Lewis and the News.

Bateman holds it like a sacred artifact.

“You have any idea,” he says slowly, “how difficult it is to find a mint-condition first pressing of this?”

Snake shrugs.

“People are sitting in the dark.”

Bateman scoffs.

“These are irreplaceable.”

Snake leans against the wall, unimpressed.

“They’re plastic discs from the 80s.”

Bateman smirks.

“Wrong. They’re culture.”

He slides the CD back into its slot with surgical precision.

Snake sighs and lights a cigarette.

“Guess the Cubans will stay in the dark.”

Bateman straightens his tie.

“Well maybe they should have invested in a better sound system.”

Snake shakes his head.

“Colonel was right about you.”

Bateman pauses.

“Colonel who?”

Snake starts climbing back into the vent.

“You wouldn’t get it.”

Bateman calls out after him.

“And stay away from my Phil Collins section!”

From inside the vent Snake mutters:

“Mission failed.”

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Sister Havana De Armas

Joe Jukic sat across from Donald Trump and Patrick Bateman at a polished boardroom table that looked like it had been designed for intimidation rather than conversation.

Bateman leaned back in his chair with the icy calm of a Wall Street predator. From a silver case he pulled out a thick Cuban cigar, clipped the end with surgical precision, and lit it.

Joe shook his head.

“See, that right there,” Joe said. “That’s the problem. Foreign policy treated like a luxury product.”

Trump folded his arms. “Nobody understands foreign policy better than me. Nobody.”

Joe pointed at him.

“Mr. President, when you talk about places like Cuba, you sound less like a statesman and more like a real-estate developer dealing with tenants. Embargo this, sanction that. It’s chess pieces to you.”

Bateman exhaled a slow ribbon of smoke.

“Honestly, Joe,” he said coolly. “Geopolitics is just market discipline.”

He raised the cigar slightly and smirked.

“Let them eat cake.”

Joe rolled his eyes.

“That’s the most psychopathic thing I’ve heard all week.”

Trump leaned forward.

“Psychopathic? I’m protecting America.”

Joe shrugged.

“Or maybe you’re just playing empire. Look, if you’re really the chosen one like people say, maybe try something heroic for once.”

Trump narrowed his eyes. “Heroic?”

Joe nodded and pointed toward the television screen on the wall, where a movie trailer was playing.

On it appeared Ana de Armas.

Joe grinned.

“Cuban damsel in distress. Straight out of Havana. If you’re the savior type, maybe rescue her instead of trying to punish an entire island.”

Bateman laughed quietly.

“Joe, you’re proposing foreign policy based on romance?”

Joe shrugged again.

“Better than running it like Gordon Gekko with nuclear codes.”

Trump stared at the screen for a moment, thinking.

Bateman took another puff of his cigar.

“Honestly,” Bateman said, “if this turns into a rescue mission, I want wardrobe approval.”

Joe sighed.

“This is exactly what I mean.”

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Trump 47