Written by Joseph C. Jukic
A political aerial satire
FADE IN:
EXT. SKY ABOVE WASHINGTON D.C. – DAY
Jet engines SCREAM. Two F/A-18 Super Hornets rip through the clouds like eagles on caffeine.
One gleams gold and red, emblazoned with “TRUMP FORCE ONE.” The other, sleek and blue — callsign MAVERICK — flies steady beside it.
INT. TRUMP FORCE ONE – COCKPIT – DAY
DONALD TRUMP, orange flight suit, designer sunglasses, and hair sculpted by divine architecture, barks into the radio.
TRUMP
Maverick, I want you tight on my six! We’re about to drop a message — the best message. Tremendous message. Believe me.
MAVERICK (over comms)
Sir, confirm — message or payload?
TRUMP
Both! I’m talking about real fertilizer. Nature’s gold. Gonna make America grow again!
Trump flips a switch labeled “EXECUTIVE RELIEF SYSTEM.” A warning light flashes: WASTE BAY DOORS OPEN.
INT. MAVERICK’S COCKPIT – DAY
TOM CRUISE, steely and ageless, winces as the absurdity sets in.
MAVERICK
You can’t be serious, Mr. President. That’s not a mission. That’s a biohazard.
TRUMP (V.O.)
Call it strategic soil distribution. Those “No Kings” hippies need to smell freedom.
Maverick looks down — thousands of peaceful protestors waving “NO KINGS – NO TYRANTS” signs.
MAVERICK
Sir, they’re American citizens exercising free speech.
TRUMP (V.O.)
Free speech is fine, until it smells bad. I’m improving it.
CUT TO: WHITE HOUSE – SITUATION ROOM – DAY
GENERAL MATT GRUFF, a square-jawed fossil in uniform, watches the radar blips in horror.
GRUFF
Jesus wept. He’s actually arming the Presidential bowel release system.
CIA ANALYST
Sir, should we scramble interceptors?
GRUFF
Against the Commander-in-Chief? That’s above my pay grade.
VICE PRESIDENT DeSANTIS (via speakerphone)
Just tell the media it’s agricultural diplomacy.
INT. MAVERICK’S COCKPIT – DAY
Maverick’s jaw sets. His moral compass overrides the chain of command.
MAVERICK
With all due respect, Mr. President — I can’t follow that order.
TRUMP (V.O.)
You can’t refuse! You’re my wingman! My favorite! You make me look cool when you fly next to me!
MAVERICK
Then find someone else to polish your legacy. I’m not dropping crap on my country.
EXT. SKY ABOVE THE CAPITOL – CONTINUOUS
Trump’s jet banks sharply, lining up over the protest. Maverick intercepts, cutting across his trajectory.
TRUMP (V.O.)
What are you doing?! You’re blocking me!
MAVERICK
Protecting what’s left of our dignity.
Trump fumes, slams a big red button labeled “COVFEFE MODE.”
TRUMP
You’re FIRED, Maverick! FIRED IN THE AIR!
INT. AIR FORCE CONTROL – DAY
Technicians panic as Trump’s jet emits an alarming rumble.
TECH #1
Sir, the President’s jet is over capacity — the tank’s at critical mass!
TECH #2
If he releases now, we’ll need FEMA.
EXT. SKY ABOVE WASHINGTON – DAY
Trump’s jet SHUDDERS violently. The crowd below looks up — a collective gasp.
Maverick flies underneath, triggering his emergency foam release, creating a protective white cloud over the protestors.
The “payload” drops harmlessly into the Potomac.
TRUMP (V.O.)
Fine. Call it a mercy drop. History will love me for this.
MAVERICK
Sir, history already called. It wants a refund.
EXT. NATIONAL MALL – DAY
The protestors cheer as Maverick ascends skyward, vapor trails forming the words:
“NO KINGS.”
A child holds a sign reading: “REAL PATRIOTS CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES.”
FADE OUT.
TITLE CARD:
“Top Gun: No Kings” — Because freedom doesn’t take orders from egos.